I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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