At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
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