Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
