you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
