Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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