it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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