I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
