oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
