Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
