Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Randomize
