I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
