i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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