Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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