sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
