Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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