i can't believe i had my finger in that
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
