You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
