He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
