She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
