Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
