Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Randomize
