Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
