dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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