Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
