I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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