im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
