How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
