did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
