My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Randomize
