If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
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