please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
