I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
