The maid of honor just puked.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You ruined the universe
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