No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
