Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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