my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
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