Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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