i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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