i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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