just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
