shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Randomize
