youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
