My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Randomize
