woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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