i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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