My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
where are my eyebrows?
I did not marry a roomba.
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