I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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