You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
It's rum buckets o'clock
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
