If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
