I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
